As you know, we started our journey yesterday after being apart for the weekend. When we got home, finally, to one another, the conversation was INCREDIBLE! I knew last weekend was going to be about God and us…individually. Yes, we spent our weekend nurturing relationships that are special to us as well only God was nurturing each of us individually as well. The weekend was filled with high favor and blessings for each of us. Hubby is coming into his leadership role and I must say, he’s doing it beautifully. I watch as he continues to submit to God’s will in life and I can breathe easily when I submit to him. We took a personality test a few weeks ago, my counselor suggested it would help her understand our dynamic, we also took one about each other. When reviewing the results with me, she repeated a few times, that she was blown away how well we know one another. It truly was interesting to see that 25 years of marriage has been filled with communication and observation, and that it has paid off in dividends. I will share some of the results with you that were particularly interesting.
There are several categories that were tested but the ones that brought such questions to her mind as…how do you submit to Matt? We were tested on dominance and submission, the results were exactly as Matt and I assumed they’d be (maybe a bit high, and God has worked miracles in us). According to the test, I am “by nature” 99% dominant, Matt is “by nature”, 98% submissive. Wow, that is pretty amazing and it worked, not well, for several years. It nearly killed me, but it is the way things happened. To us, it isn’t a bad thing for me to be dominant, after all, I’m a lot like my dad, or for Matt to be submissive, after all, he was trained to be as a child and young man by his dad. Not only that, but IT IS the way God made us originally. My first response to things is to figure out how to repair them and then, make sure the people that need to repair them…know. Praise God, He is teaching me to take it to Him and release Him to them with truth, IN LOVE. And. Others’ inability to see what God is doing and how the enemy is playing, that is tough to swallow, especially if my feelings are involved. Matt’s first response is to figure out how to repair them, and then make sure I know what they need to hear. Ugh. Sometimes this thing is sticky. When Matt read John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart in 2008, I began to see a change and can say with confidence, today the man I choose to submit to is an incredible leader. So, if I am so “outgoing, confident, courageous, etc”, with my first response, how do I submit? Well, thankfully today, it’s simple, Matt can submit to God with ease. His nature is to submit, His nurture by God enables him to have the final say on things. And since the beginning, he has usually been able to assert his opinions and feelings throughout our marriage. It doesn’t sound simple, and for many years, it wasn’t. But God (my favorite two words in the Bible) has led both of us to a new place and I’m grateful.
All of that said, yesterday became tough for a bit. My daughter asked me last night, after hubby was asleep, if my eyes were swollen and red from a good cry. (Yes, she is wise that way!) I looked at her gently and said, no. My heart was on fire! I had been seeking God and letting him heal the wound that had nothing to do with hubby and yet, everything to do with him. He had kept something from me for several months. I do understand why. I really do. I just feel pain when he isn’t completely open with me about things. In this instance, he wanted to protect my heart. To me, protecting my heart looks like telling me things and letting me cry, yell, scream, collapse and anything else I might need to do with the pain. To him, sometimes it has looked like this, “what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her and I love her too much to tell her awful things others are doing to us”. The problem, darkness will always come into the light when you let God shine it. So, he shared it with me last night because God is ready to shine His light. It hurt. Bad. The thing, it hurt. I’m feeling punished repeatedly for a mistake that was just foolish judgement where I let the enemy play over a year and a half. The cost………..many, many, many conversations, and even more tears. It cost our family time, energy, pain…oh so much, fights, disagreements, the cost HAS been mighty. But God, He is restoring, redeeming and making Himself known in all to all his kids, gratefully. We are ready for the reaping of the cost, the “and then some” God that I serve is full of great things to come. 2016 is the Year of Jubilee, restoration, and then some, to all of us and I am eagerly anticipating as it arrives. I don’t know about you, for me, 2016 has already exceeded my greatest hopes!