What is wrong with YOU, MEN?

OK, first let me say this post is a little late coming.  The enemy has kept me distracted and in chaos for the last few weeks, but I have been meaning to ask you GUYS this question… What is wrong with you?  Don’t you enjoy having sex with your wives? Then why wouldn’t you want her to enjoy it so she would want more???

In my wife’s post a few weeks ago, Sexual Desire, she asked if I would speak to you MEN about this problem, which is apparently prevalent in our culture. In talking to some wives we have heard that their husbands play the Bible card and basically bully them into having sex with them, which lasts just a few minutes and leaves the husband fulfilled and her feeling, shall we say, underwhelmed and unfulfilled. Then there are other husbands who could care less about having sex at all!! (I still don’t fully understand this one.) 

Here are some tips I have gleaned over the years:

  • My wife is NOT a microwave.  It takes her WAY longer to become aroused than me.
  • My wife is NOT visual near as much as she is VERBAL.  I have to TALK to her if I want her to become aroused. That includes LISTENING WELL.
  • My wife likes it when I am CLEAN and SMELL GOOD.
  • My wife likes it when I DATE HER – often! (at least twice a month)
  • And finally, my wife ENJOYS SEX as much as I do – and when I say SEX, I mean ORGASM!!!  (and they can have MULTIPLE ORGASMS, if it’s done right!)

If she is not having an ORGASM, is it really sex?  Would you enjoy it if you didn’t have an orgasm?  Here is what another woman has to say about it:

(Borrowed from Meg Conley’s blog post “Five Reasons Your Wife Won’t Have Sex with You” at http://www.megconley.com found HERE)

It isn’t any blasted fun. Yikes. There it is. The elephant in the room. Women are more likely to want to have sex when an orgasm is involved and too often, it is not. For reasons unknown, the female orgasm has been shrouded in a cloak of mystery and unattainability. (In case you were wondering, the cloak is made of polyester and really doesn’t breathe well.) I have to lay the blame for the perpetuation of this myth at the feet of men. I believe the accepted reasoning goes something like this: “Female sexuality is very different from male sexuality therefore the workings behind it must be impenetrable.” (IMPENETRABLE! I am sorry. I couldn’t help myself.)

This, of course, is not true.

I had a professor that once gave the perfect description of the differences between the two sexes, ahem, “get up and go”. He said male sexual arousal and orgasm was like turning on a light. Locate the switch, turn it on, and let there be light. Mr. Professor then said female sexual arousal and orgasm was more like flying a plane. Once you get in the cock pit you have to flip switches and buttons in the right sequence in order to prepare for takeoff. The process is slightly more involved and yes, you have to get a feel for it. But once you do… holy cow, the sky is the limit. (Oh my gosh, I hope my Dad stopped reading two paragraphs ago.)

Don’t be intimidated. At any given moment most men can explain the rules behind the BCS, know what is happening under the hood of their favorite car and quote stats from sports people only care about when the Olympics comes around. You guys are capable of processing information and applying it in life. That is the only skill needed here. No magic involved. Educate yourself. Read a few books. Ask her questions. Women have been having orgasms since, you know, there were women. The how to’s are not a secret. Don’t be embarrassed. There is nothing cringe inducing about making your wife and her needs a priority. You are learning together and my goodness, could you ask for a better lesson plan? Practice makes perfect. I hate to say it. But to get good at sex you need to have a lot of sex. I know, such a burden.  

Hello again, sir. How are you doing? Did I say orgasm too many times? I am so sorry.

Orgasm.

Alright, so maybe you haven’t been at the top of your game the past few hours, days, weeks, months or, ahem, years. One of the purest joys of life is our ability to change for the better. Start now. Leave the TV off, take a break from the video games and postpone that camping trip. You have work to do and what a great work it is.

And my goodness, isn’t she worth it? Hell, yes. 

Men, here is my challenge to you for this weekend:  Talk to your wife, take her on a date, then take her to bed and give her the gift of an ORGASM.  Or at least take the time try to get her there, and she will thank you for it! And practice, practice, practice. It’s fun!

from Song of Solomon 4 in The Message:

The Woman

16 Wake up, North Wind,
    get moving, South Wind!
Breathe on my garden,
    fill the air with spice fragrance.

Oh, let my lover enter his garden!
    Yes, let him eat the fine, ripe fruits.

Hubby Adores Me

Yesterday I we were in my war room at home, it’s my office but a lot of war for people’s hearts and my own heart goes on in there.  Our family went to that movie together last year while our son was in town and that night we decided to put my office together.  When finished, our family prayed over and blessed the room and it’s been called that ever since.

Hubby and I were in that room, I walked up to him as he was sitting in a chair and I walked over to him and sat on his lap facing him.  We were having the talk about our plan for sex that day and both of us are exhausted from the last few weeks.  I had offered that it be a quick night as I was exhausted and he appeared so, also we have a hotel this Saturday so I thought we could save up.  He agreed.  Then he began to admire me.  How does he admire me? That night, although he was worn and agreed, his eyes began to admire me first, then his hands.  When I watch him as he admires what God gave me, I watch his eyes.  His eyes speak volumes to me, I see as he looks at each part he touches and this night, I was fully dressed!  Of course, that led me to wanting more…

When we make love, it isn’t a quickie very often because hubby admires me and I do him.  We enjoy the touch of our skin touching, we use our hands to admire the other, we embrace, we stare in one another’s eyes and it is passion.  We didn’t start here and we aren’t the most well built, beautiful couple in the world, but I know he is the best looking man I’ve seen.  I believe he thinks I am the most beautiful woman that he’s seen.  It really isn’t about what I have to offer to the world, it’s about what I have to offer him.  One of a woman’s core desires it to have a beauty all her own to unveil, I didn’t know what that meant until I attended a retreat called Captivating in 2013.  You may have read the story about that summer, that is where it began.  I realized that I didn’t have to be gorgeous to offer hubby me, he picked me and he loves what I have.  So, I began to offer it to him, uninhibited, me.  That was what he longed for all along, even when I was 275 pounds.  We had that talk last night too, at my smallest (now) and to my largest, all he wanted was for me to feel sexy enough to offer me and today, I am.

I would encourage you to go back to your dating days and consider what turned on your burner then and try it again.  Today my challenge to you is this:  make out with your hubby or wifey for 10 minutes, that doesn’t include intercourse, as a matter of fact, clothes on!  See where it leads after the 10 minutes, if you do it like you did back then, I bet you end up in bed!

Peace in the Ford Home

Finally, we have peace.  Peace that surpasses all understanding.  God tells me to trust Him, lean not on my own understanding and look to Him and He will direct my path.  I’ve been praying about the situation that we’ve been facing for a couple of years, for that entire time and trusting God and His perfect timing and today, there is peace.

I’ve been seeking this for so long that I am a bit anxious about it being real.  You know what I mean?  I’ve clarified with hubby a couple of times that he is resolved and I am going to come first, in this world, from today forward.  It wasn’t about me not being first, I believe it’s been about so many other things that were broken in our marriage.  Yes, we have had an incredible marriage but there have been issues as with us all.  We are broken people that our parents, teachers, friends, co-workers, Christians all have damaged us in our lives.  I knew I was unique when I was a child.  I always have loved people with a huge depth and not everyone is worth giving my heart to at that level.  Yes, we are to love everyone as Jesus did, I’m still human too and don’t always do that well because of the hurt others may cause me.  I also know we aren’t fighting humans, we are fighting principalities and forces of darkness because satan is in this world, but we fight with the human side of it because humans are being used.  The only way to stop satan from using our mouths is to know our Jesus and His sacrifice.  I know I could have been there, then, and been one that was saying “crucify Him”, if I keep my focus there, I realize I don’t deserve anything.  Because I keep my eyes there, I realize that Jesus gave it all for me to receive everything and for that I am grateful.

Please know that I married an incredible man of God, that was an early prayer from me and my mom and it was answered.  No, he isn’t perfect and I am grateful for that, if he were, we wouldn’t work because I could never live up.  He is however, perfect for me!  He has been my leader for 25 years and he leads by example in his life, not words.  Those that don’t choose him to be their friend, they are losing out, I know because I’ve known him the longest.  We will move forward in our calling as a couple, a whole, ONE.  I believe you will watch many things play out on here over the next five months and I am hoping this one was the biggest fight we’ll have to face.

I do want to apologize to hubby for my part.  I am an outspoken woman and as he’s asked me to submit over the last year, I may not have done it perfectly, but I did it.  I am not sorry for that at all, it’s what God tells me is my part and I trust hubby with my heart.  I didn’t do many things well the other night either, as a matter of fact, I attacked him in ways I didn’t dream I ever could and I’ve apologized to him and our daughter who was witness to my explosion.  My hurt built up for a time, and I drank a bit too much while in pain.  That is why we didn’t make it that night, not just the year and a half building up.  He isn’t the only one guilty, and I don’t want you to have reason to speculate that.  I mess up as much as he has, we can work with it when each of us comes our part.

We are back to love making in the bedroom, not just having sex.  I knew that God would bring us here if we made the commitment and were steadfast to that commitment.  I pray that each person reading this learn, grow and be blessed by our story, that is why we are offering it as transparently as possible.

“Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:32

Thank you Hubby!

I got out of bible study this morning and had a message from hubby that he had written and posted a blog post and he asked me to read it.  I read it and was speechless.  Now that I have regained my voice, I wanted to publicly respond.

The choices hubby has made to believe others is one of his best qualities.  Growing up hubby and his family weren’t around people, he went to school, home, church and that was about the extent of it until his senior year.  He made a couple of guy friends at that time and learned a little about relationship but never had any deep ones, until me.  I met him in college and he was a fraternity pledge, he was extremely quiet and finished first in his class of pledges.  I didn’t realize then, but it had a lot to do with him not questioning his authority and he is naturally over 90% submissive and I am sure they liked that.  When he asked questions of these “friends” he’s referring to, they found asking questions to be rude and disrespectful and so he stopped.  I submitted to his will in the situation and still do today because I do trust that he will make it right today and I will be free from them and that is what I am seeking.

Our goal in this challenge wasn’t to argue and fight, it was to win one another back after a hard year and I believe we are winning each other back after 25 years of things that humans do to one another, especially in marriage, that are hurtful.  Many times we are ignorant of it for a season and longer if we aren’t listening to God and want to make things work.  I told hubby the main reason I am still here today and will be here until I die is ultimately, I love him with all of my heart and couldn’t imagine even one day without hearing his voice.  Hubby, thank you for the apologies, the tears, the confessions and mostly, for fighting for my heart.  You truly are an incredible man and I am eagerly anticipating the next 164 days as God heals what is broken in our marriage AND takes us to new heights with one another.  I’m so grateful God gave you to me and me to you and I will honor His gift, I am truly blessed.  I love you.

Story – Day 60

“Sometimes the story we’re telling the world isn’t half as endearing as the one that lives inside us.” Donald Miller, Scary Close

First I want to apologize for my post yesterday – that was my Poser coming out…again – I wanted to admit I failed, without explanation, and end the conversation.  That way I wouldn’t have to explain ALL the ways I failed.

So here is the endearing part of the story that is playing out in our lives today…

For over a year and a half we have been betrayed by people I thought were my friends, and I wanted to believe the best in them.  Every time Chandra would get hurt by one of their actions, I would try to play it off as if they were broken people, too, and they really didn’t mean to hurt us.  Sunday I found out that everything I believed about these people was false, and that they had been lying to me, betraying me and my wife, and had actually hurt a few other innocent people along the way.

I actually was already thinking of making a break from them because of the hurt that they had caused.  I was in the middle of a 30 day period of reflection and prayer about it and about the right way to do it.  After what I heard Sunday, I have a new resolve.  

I have been a fool to hang on this long, wanting to believe the best about these people.  And by holding on this long I have hurt Chandra, and the new information has hurt her, and I get that she has questions as to why it took THIS information to get me to act.  I have acknowledged that they hurt her, and that they have hurt me, but I did not have the courage to DO anything about it until now.  Maybe it’s a result of this challenge, and the sanctification process we have gone through, or maybe it’s just a result of the new information, but I will not sit idly by and let them hurt anyone else – this has to end. 

Monday night into Tuesday Chandra and I were battling our way through all the lies the enemy and these people have said about us.  I was exhausted and hurt by some of the things I had said and she had said. I looked at my watch at 11:45 and realized I was in no place to offer intimacy to her (and didn’t think my equipment would work either!).  So I took the easy way out and admitted defeat.  Damn you, Satan. Then I could not sleep.  At 3 am I finally laid down to try, and by 4 am I decided I wasn’t going to get to sleep.  I ran to my office to grab something I forgot the night before, and got ready for breakfast with a good friend I had scheduled at 7:30.

During that breakfast I got to get alot off my chest, and about 9 I went home to see if I could salvage the wreck we had made the night before. By late morning Chandra and I had come to agreement on several things, apologized, cried, asked for forgiveness and decided we would take our daughter’s advice (since my Monday had never “technically” ended for me) and continue our challenge, counting morning sex as day 58, and our evening time together as day 59.  Today is day 60, and we are resolved to continue this process and finish the challenge that our God has set before us, and we will continue to share our story along the way – giving all glory to the one who set us free, Jesus Christ!

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, [a]fixing our eyes on Jesus, the[b]author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:1-2 (NASB)

Is it worth it?

We completed the challenge for us today.  We can say we failed a day and we’re choosing to continue it, we could.  Instead, we know sanctification is hard and so hubby didn’t go to sleep last night and he didn’t go to sleep until we could make love.  Because of what our daughter said, we choose to say we are still succeeding at it.  I don’t really care which you decide on but for me, I am so proud of hubby owning it even to the degree he did on here so that he gave himself permission to fail and let people know and we are good.  Thank you to anyone and everyone that prays for us.  We are really struggling with some core issues in our marriage that have caused great pain and I can say this for me, I need this challenge. If we weren’t doing it as God asked, I don’t know if we would have survived some of the issues that are opening up.  So, for me, us becoming one human being every day is how we heal and it has been rough to stay committed but I believe God asked us to do it for a purpose and I want to be obedient.  In that obedience He is protecting our marriage from the decay of others opinions and healing old wounds and for that I say Praise God and thank you Dad!  I hope that you’ll continue to champion us by following our story and I commit to get About Us written within the next few weeks.  By the way, typing a lot will be difficult as I broke at least one finger last night and possibly two in our back door as I was foolishly slamming it for effect to show my anger, yes it happens in all our homes, behind closed doors.  Maybe not all but a lot of stories I’ve heard say it’s true, we are all fighting behind closed doors and in our fight for our marriage we want to share truth.  Thank you for reading our story.

Pushing Through

This past two months has been a massive growth period in our home.  God has definitely shown up for us over and over again, however, having sex daily has been a challenge.  Not only have we had my physical challenges with recovering from last year and a 35 pound weight loss is causing some physical stuff that isn’t easy.  We thought or I guess hoped, that after my tube was out that things would progress toward health quickly.  Unfortunately that isn’t the case this time, I am thinking my age has a bit to do with it.  All of that being said, sex daily is something that, had I not agreed, I wouldn’t be thinking much about it I’m thinking.

So, why am I going through with this?  I’ve been asking myself that some days and the answer comes to me quickly, I love my marriage and want to put it first even on my bad days.  I can say to that, hubby is a rock star in all of this.  No, he hasn’t done everything right and we argue more than we’d like lately, but he is trying SO much!  He has been so good to be sensitive to my aches and pains while knowing that we can enjoy our challenge through them.  One thing I have learned is that in the heat of foreplay, and then into the act, my hormones are so high that pain is almost non-existent during the act so that makes it able to be great most days.  I didn’t know things like that as a younger woman, I would not feel well and so I said no more often.  That led to hubby  not getting his needs met and that led to separation in our intimacy.  Hindsight is 20/20!  So, for today and hopefully the remainder of our challenge, I will push through the pain for the reward that daily sex has and is bringing into our marriage!

Summer 2013

I was thinking about how many days we’ve been going on our challenge, 52 days…that’s a lot of days put together and they are definitely creating a habit.  I was talking with a friend last night and telling her what I’ve heard so many times in my life, “It takes 21 days to create a habit”.  No, I don’t want sex to look like a habit, that would be awful, what I want it to look like is this, hubby and I don’t go to sleep at night without putting one another first for at least 20-30 minutes minimum.  To me, that habit looks fruitful!

I remember the summer of 2013 when hubby and I were beginning deeper exploration in the bedroom, I’m recalling the night he pulled out the Song of Solomon bible study.  I can’t remember if I flinched when he pulled it out, but I don’t think I gave it a lot of consideration either, I said yes.  I believe that study is on our blog somewhere, if not I’ll ask hubby to get it on our resource page.  I really didn’t know what to expect and wasn’t sure my body would cooperate, after all I had just gone through another near death in fall 2012 but, I said yes.  We made it 34 days that summer, skipped one, and then continued to 43, it was fantastic.  I look back fondly because that summer, hubby and I got to know one another on a new level.  We had talked about fantasies and scenarios, we even worked on our own skills to please one another but never to this level of intimacy.

Intimacy, it is so worth it with the person that God has given you for your other half.  I never dreamed of our relationship being as deep and meaningful as ours is and I definitely attribute a lot of that to the summer of 2013.  You see, when we got more intimate with Jesus, we got more intimate with one another.  What is equally true is this, when we got closer to each other, we got closer to Jesus.  What I believe is that all sex is worship to some one, either to God that is in our heart or to a worldly god, we are all worshipping and didn’t realize it.  Before that summer, I don’t think I realized what God does in the marital bed, and I certainly didn’t realize it was such a threat that the enemy steals it from married couples and it is easy.  When we were young, I worked with a lady that was as sweet and innocent as I may have met, one day she asked me if it was normal to have sex every night in marriage?  I told her no way, I remember because I worked full time and had three kids and NO WAY was the best answer I had.  She told me that her husband said that now that they were married that is what married people do.  I believe my counsel was pretty awful at the time so I won’t repeat it, suffice to say, they waited to marry and sex every day was definitely not harmful to their relationship.  My hope is that they continued to have daily sex and that God blessed them with many children and a healthy home!

It is worth it today, day 52.  I’m so grateful for the intimacy that has grown in those amount of days and although it isn’t easy to make it happen every day, I will continue helping make it happen.  I love where we are in our relationship today, can you imagine what God has in store for the rest of the time??