This has been a great day! After a little intimate time this morning 😉 (day 91 for those that are wondering) I set off for a day alone with my God. Never before would I have had the courage to ask for a day alone when Chandra and I are on a vacation just the two of us. But I have discovered that as a part of my healing I need this! If I am constantly around the noise of people who need me and look to me for leadership, or even just the constant noise of society, I tend to ignore my own needs. And I, too, need time to meditate and grow and receive love from God, which only happens when I get alone with Him.
And the enemy wants me to believe that if I take time for myself, I am being selfish, or, even worse, that the world will fall apart without me there to control it.
Right now, my struggle is with INTEGRATION. Everything I read, every conference I go to, all my conversations seem to be centered around integration – integration of my inner child, my poser and my TRUE self – who God wants me to be.
I have discovered in this challenge, in my healing, that I can’t be someone different than who I believe I am. I have men that admire me, even my wife admires me (most days) – but living from my poser makes me present a different “Matt” to each one. I am afraid of the rejection I will feel if I present my true self that God created me to be so I have built this elaborate facade of who I think they want me to be! My wife is constantly saying how men in my life don’t really KNOW me. And she is probably right. I have built this mask that makes me look really good, but functions as a wall so I don’t get hurt. Now as a result, very few people really know me. Heck I’ve been living behind that mask for so long that some days I don’t even know myself!
But God is in the process of breaking me (the old me – the false me) and integrating all those broken parts of me into the man he wants me to be in this world. And everyone in my life will be a benefactor in the process. I will be a better husband, a better father, a better chiropractor, and a better friend as a result of this painful season.
Today, in my time alone, God came for me. He sent Jesus to sit beside me on the shore of this small lake outside of town, and showed me where he has come to set me free from my old life so I could live a new life, dead to sin and alive to God! And it’s available to anyone who asks. My challenge to you is to ask for that healing so you can offer your true self to your wife, and see what he will do to your marriage in the process.
We will post more about our weekend when we rejoin civilization next week! For now I wish you a great holiday weekend.
“So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus.”