When We Disagree

This morning, after an incredible night of sex, we had our Tuesday morning cuddle time. This is what our life looks like, Tuesday and Sunday mornings, at least this summer, we spend time with each other and God on those mornings.  Some days it is hubby going to his den for time with God while I hang out in bed and do the same, coming back together to love on one another until around 11am.  Yes, we are blessed with that time and we take advantage of it!  I thought last night’s sex might lead into even better this morning and yet, we went down a different path today.  We got to disagreement.  In our recent path, that would have played out in a day full of arguing and hurt feelings, offense, that we didn’t believe the same thing about God as the other.

Today, it played out in genuine love and respect and dignity.  That is what we are seeking in this world, peace.  We don’t always agree on what the bible says, many times this morning, hubby said “prove it”.  I have learned through a specific experience with my dad and hubby that leads me to believe this, “it is not my responsibility to make you believe that Dad, our Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer, and the True End of All Things, including my life, wants to give us ALL good things while we are here on earth”.  That is God’s responsibility if He wants you to know that, you only have to ask Him and then believe what His Spirit tells you.  I told hubby that I don’t buy into the different “beliefs” like Prosperity Gospel, I don’t even really know what they say.  I also don’t believe the way my earthly dad does either, that God “makes us sin” to grow us up, that is justification of sin at it’s finest.  He says he is Calvinistic in his beliefs but that stretches even Calvin and his truth.  Humorously, hubby has pulled the same Scriptures to prove my dad to be wrong, as my dad has to prove himself correct, tell me how that works?  We see things differently, many times as the world has taught us, until we are at peace with what we believe.  That is a peace that surpasses my understanding for certain.  I believe in what the Holy Spirit himself has revealed to me through Scripture and testing of spirits.  I don’t need to fall into a category of people who all are like-minded in doctrine, I need to believe what Daddy says is true for me.  If we don’t agree right now on things the Bible says, I believe we will become like-minded.  And, because mine is a gentle knowing with peace accompanying it, I believe mine is closer…today.

God reveals places in us at different times, at different paces.  Pressing in, that is a choice.  Hubby says that I had undistracted years at home to learn more about God and press in.  While there is some physical truth to that, I was home, alone, with God, a lot.  However, he has difficulty putting himself into my shoes thus far, I was home but I was also in A LOT of pain and pain distracts truth because it doesn’t line up with the Word.  Also, it hurts physic ally and mentally, I began to question if God truly loves me, depression.  That is where a lot of depression begins, in the turmoil of pain.  So, I wasn’t exactly undistracted, it was more like I was ALWAYS distracted but in the chaos, I found peace.  It took effort and choices that weren’t typical, but it was worth it.  I never gave up my time first thing in the morning with God, even if I didn’t pick Him the rest of the day.

Recently, we have been arguing, more than is healthy.  Our counselor said that it is our job in Christ, to seek peace at all cost.  I will add that hubby and I are both wanting and seeking that.  We have a hard time, on occasion, hearing the other person’s point of view and taking it to God to confirm or dismiss.  Hubby struggles with this a bit more than I do today, he is in a different place in his walk.  We know that God has each of us and I know that God is leading both of us into all truth, so peace is what I will seek.  When hubby left to work out, (we typically do this together – today too, unfortunately I am running a fever and need rest more than work out, so I’ll go tonight if my body allows, God willing), I began talking to God.  One of the coolest things hubby said this morning was, “you just need to keep praying for me”.  I’ll take that challenge!  There is nothing I want to do more than to ask God for us to be like-minded, because that is ultimate peace in our home.  I will ask God to help me see scripture how hubby does so that if it is right, I will know truth too.  I am seeking ultimate truth, even when I don’t “like” it.

Here is how the enemy sneaked in this morning, I didn’t get to prayer.  I pray a Daily Prayer adapted by John Eldredge at Ransomed Heart Ministries, each morning and another Bedtime Prayer at night.  The prayer destroys all that is raised against me and sets me up in the authority that Christ has given me, on this earth.  It armors me up with truth, righteousness, peace of the good news, truth about my salvation, I take up the shield of my faith in God and Jesus and carry with me the Sword of the Spirit, the Word of God.  It sends all foul and unclean spirits away from me and my home and household (even my children), as it re-establishes me with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  I hadn’t gotten to prayer before we began a conversation about God and all of the voices of lies were spiraling.  When I recognized the truth, I stopped and prayed.  Humorously, I pray with theatrics because I believe every word that I say and it comes from my heart.  Hubby got choked up this morning as he prayed with me and watched my truth come out.  He questioned the genuineness of my display, that is okay, for him, he said it’s too much. Truth be told, he sees my heart and always has.  He told me not to long ago something I will cherish for the rest of my days, he said, “I don’t know any other woman who loves Jesus like you do”, thank you hubby.  That was a gift to hear from your mouth to God’s ears and mine, I do love Jesus and I love you.

Tonight we will complete the challenge.  When we went to bed last our plan was intimacy, holding each other, talking, making out, but not sex because of my health.  When we got intimate, it led to really good, hot, sex.  Funny how intimacy works, the more I reveal myself to hubby, the more he reveals himself to me.  Then, that ultimate act of generosity and love, sex, is uncontrollable and last night was no exception.  Thank you for our love-making last night hubby, I look forward to tonight!

Who is in Bed with You?

This morning I was reflecting on our intimate time last night, and how sex has changed for us over the last few years:

Yesterday my wife’s best friend got married.  It was a great day.  The joining of two hearts in a covenant blessed by God. Friends were there, families were there, and we were there with both of our daughters.  Weddings remind us of our love for each other, and we always walk away after celebrating a new marriage ready to make love and celebrate our own marriage.

Last night (after a little wine and a little dancing at the reception!) was no different, and yet it was.  

I knew that on our way home we were both anticipating a great night, but our daughter, who was engaged until a few weeks ago, needed to talk with Mom over some stuff she had struggled with yesterday.  It interrupted what I had anticipated would be happening when we got home, and I was frustrated – not with my daughter, but with the situation. (I think my wife was a little frustrated, too, but she handled it much better than I did!) The enemy tried to steal our intimate time – he tried to distract me from sex with thoughts of how my daughter was interrupting our private time together.  So when Chandra finally came to bed ready to make love, I could not get over the frustration I had with my daughter.  It was as if she was right there with us in bed! 

Has this ever happened to you? (I think women usually have a tougher time with this than men; I’ve read that many times they can’t keep from being distracted by thinking about the kids, the laundry, the PTA, their job, etc.)  Do you bring all those thoughts of other souls into the bed with you?

It is as if all those people’s sin/irritation/warfare rubbed off on us that day.  We unknowingly create these unholy “soul” ties with our friends, coworkers, children, extended family. No matter who it is, when I can’t get my thoughts off the person, it feels as if they are right there in bed with us. But over the last few years we have figured out a way to kick them out of our bed. We pray.  

And now you are probably thinking, “Pray. . . before sex. . .You’ve got to be kidding. . .”  No, I’m not kidding.   We pray before we have sex.  Not every time, but lots of times – so that’s what I did last night.  I broke soul ties, not just with my daughter, but with all the people at the wedding. Not immediately, but in just a few minutes, the distracting thoughts went away, and the sex was incredible.  When we get all the other people out of our bed – by praying and inviting Jesus into our sex life, (Just the 3 of us, get it?) – it makes a HUGE difference. 

(You can find a soul ties prayer that we have used as our model on the Ransomed Heart website HERE.)

And it is available for anyone with a little courage. Courage to pray. Courage to try something different than what the rest of the world is trying. It is another freedom that Christ offers us. And that’s what this blog is about – the freedom we have found through sex – Just the 3 of Us.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.   – Romans 12:2 (MSG)

We’ve Weathered the Storm

This has been a week that looks more like restoration to me.  It has been a week of hubby telling me things that he appreciates about me and things I bring to the our family and him.  I need those reminders.  After my illnesses took a front seat in my life, I was no longer able to be the person I identified with in life.  I was a successful sales woman, the top in my office.  I made a lot of money.  When my health took a huge turn south, I didn’t have an identity anymore.  Now, my identity is rooted in who Christ says I am and I truly like that person.  That being said, I am still a girl, I want confirmations from hubby that he appreciates the woman that he chose and all that God is in me.

This week has been a restoration week like none we’ve had thus far.  The enemy went on full attack over the past several months and although we know Spiritual Warfare is real, we were not armed well in the battle.  Neither one of us was taking our place in the authority that Jesus left us here with and to go into any battle unarmed is well, stupid.  We know what this world has to offer, we realize we are in a battle daily.  That is why Paul tells us in Ephesian 6 to put on the full armor…The belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, shoes of the gospel, helmet of salvation, take up the shield of faith, and the sword of truth, and choose to be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might and pray at all times in the Spirit.  The storm we have been facing in our home is the same one that our brothers and sisters all over the world are facing…principalities and spiritual forces of wickedness, foul spirits.  When we don’t send them to Jesus to do with as He will, we listen to them and hear the lies and they pound us, making us think it is just us.

We had a breakthrough on Sunday night after church.  Hubby has a hard time with other’s truths if he doesn’t see it in himself.  Sunday was a hard day for us.  We battled our own wills, yet again, most of the day.  I knew that if we couldn’t hear each other and possibly repent from some of our beliefs about truth, it might take time apart to get there.  I didn’t want to leave for a few days, but you can only bang your head so many times before you realize you are causing the headache.  It wasn’t working.  After church, I asked our two grown daughters to sit with us and talk.  They don’t tell hubby things they believe to be true about his beliefs very often because they know it isn’t well received.  Call it pride, human nature, shame, it has many names, but none of them are true and none are from God.  Sunday night things shifted, the girls and I were able to share with hubby where some areas weren’t working and he began to accept his part.  Every argument takes two, I do know that too. This week, hubby is seeing where he has been deceived by the enemy and he is now saying NO!

We will have many of these storms to conquer, I know it is true because I’ve read it in God’s Word.  I have asked God to teach me how to take my authority in the world over the foul spirits that continue to attack and lie to us on a daily basis.  We will have storms and I pray we take our authority to weather them in His word together.  Our intimacy has increased immensely and we are communicating successfully.  Sex has been some of the best I’ve ever had as evidenced in the bedroom.  We are headed in the right direction to finish TheChallenge and possibly more because we choose God, first thing every day, and we choose one another second as He designed it to be.  Hope all my readers have weathered some storms successfully this week!

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Praying for Hubby’s Wife

First and foremost, I want to thank hubby , for posting a blog today.  That has definitely been a point of contention in our home.  When we decided to do TheChallenge, we made agreements.  In the beginning of discussions, I asked him if he would be willing to write a journal entry a few times a week so that I could hear his thoughts and he could hear mine. By the time we made our final agreements, we both were willing to do this blog.  So many things have gotten in the way of TheChallenge, not to mention blogging about it.  We have missed three days out of over 120, and are making that up as we see fit.  We went 115 days in a row which is itself, quite an accomplishment for a couple in their mid-40’s.  I am not disappointed in our efforts and will never feel like we failed.  That is how I look at it and the only opinion that matters is mine and God, and God is definitely not disappointed.

That being said, I tried to not be a nag about hubby not posting but I was unwilling to accept that it got too hard or that it wasn’t important.  It is important to me.  I attempted to help hubby see that I don’t have a lot of things that are important to me at this time in my life, due to illness.  I wanted him to make it important to him because it was important to me and because he agreed to it.  I wanted him to be a man of his word and simply stopping his commitment and making excuses continued to grow in my thoughts and frankly, pissed me off.  By the time yesterday got here, I finally told him how I felt about him quitting something that he had given me his word on.  That is negotiation.  I do make things that are important to him, things I really don’t care about at all in my world, important to me, that is what a spouse does.  I listen to sport statistics and facts like I care when truth is, I don’t care at all.  But, hubby cares about it and wants someone to talk to about it, so I listen and involve myself in the conversation when I have any idea what he is talking about.

Last night we had a talk that brought about change.  Today, hubby has been kind and gentle with me in my illness and that hasn’t been the case for a while.  He has somewhat gotten numb to me being sick.  What stinks about that is, I am still sick.  Being sick all the time is awful.  I have a friend that has basically been home bound after a stroke for four plus years and she is fully reliant on others coming to spend time with her.  I’ve only known her for 6 months but me coming over once a month makes her month better so I offer that.  She is worth it!  I know how she feels and she is always in a great attitude about life.  I have been sick a lot, stuck at home and in bed for more years than I care to think about.  Family members get tired of it, I get that.  What they aren’t doing is putting themselves in my shoes and realizing that I suffer the most.  My suffering is isolation, a lot of isolation, along with pain and sometimes depression.  When those you live with can’t offer their heart to things that I CAN do consistently, after saying they will, problems begin to happen.  I don’t want my family to not live life to the full just because I can’t, but I do want them to offer time and love in ways that I recognize them.

TheChallenge and our blog are something that I can offer myself to even when I am sick. It is my way of helping others when I can’t always help in physical ways.  That is why it is so important to me, it is a commitment that I can fulfill, consistently.  Hubby had decided that he didn’t have to blog anymore because we didn’t keep TheChallenge going as originally planned and as far as I’m concerned, he didn’t just get to decide that with no input from me.  So we’ve argued over it instead of honoring our commitments.  Not very healthy, I know, but true.  It has been a point of contention between us for a few months and yesterday, I drew a line in the sand.  I asked him to honor his commitment so that I could continue with the respect for him that I’ve always had when he does.  It is easy to lose respect for your spouse when they don’t fulfill commitments they have the power to fulfill.  I wasn’t choosing to lose respect for him, but watching him keep commitments to others and not to me didn’t look loving at all.  Yesterday, he never said if he planned to honor his word or not and I didn’t really expect that he would.

Today, I was pleasantly surprised when he texted me this morning and said he had blogged.  The blog was perfect.  Another agreement I made with him last week was that I would pray for him daily, consistently and asked him to do the same for me.  When I read his post, I realized that he had taken that agreement to heart and was going to be praying for my husband regularly.  I pray the first prayer in Stormie Omartian’s book Power of a Praying Wife regularly, that prayer is for His Wife…me.  We can get so caught up in praying to change our spouses and we forget that the only person we can change is our own self.  And I don’t even know what things to change a lot of times, but this prayer offers me a perfect way to ask Dad to do a mighty work in me.  I wanted to share that prayer as well so that you can know what I am praying for, so here is my prayer from her book…

Lord, help me to be a good wife.  I fully realize that I don’t have what it takes without Your help.  Take my selfishness, impatience, and irritability and turn them into kindness, long-suffering, and the willingness to bear all things.  Take my old emotional habits, mind-sets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions, and self-protective stance, and make me patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.  Take the hardness of my heart and break down the walls with Your battering ram of revelation.  Give me a new heart and work in me Your love,peace, and joy (Galatians 5:22-23).  I am not able to rise above who I am at this moment.  Only You can transform me.

Show me where there is sin in my heart, especially with regard to my husband.  I confess the times I’ve been unloving, critical, angry, resentful, disrespectful, or unforgiving toward him.  Help me to put aside any hurt, anger, or disappointment I feel and forgive him the way You do – totally and completely, no looking back.  Make ma tool of reconciliation, peace, and healing in our marriage.  Enable us to communicate well and rescue us from the threshold of separation where the realities of divorce begin.

Make me my husband’s helpmate, companion, champion, friend, and support.  Help me to create a peaceful, restful, safe place for him to come home to.  Teach me how to take care of myself and stay attractive to him. (okay so that isn’t a problem;-)) Grow me into a creative and confident woman who is rich in mind, soul, and spirit.  Make me the kind of woman he can be proud to say is his wife.`

I lay all of my expectations at Your cross.  I release my husband from the burden of fulfilling me in areas where I should be looking to You.  Help me to accept him the way he is and not try to change him.  I realize that in some ways he may never change, but at the same time, I release him to change in ways I never thought he could.  I leave any changing that needs to be done in Your hands, fully accepting that neither of us is perfect, and I look to your to perfect us.

Teach me how to pray for my husband and make my prayers a true language of love.  Where love has died, create new love between us.  Show me what unconditional love really is and how to communicate it in a way he can clearly perceive.  Bring unity between us so that we can be in agreement about everything (Amos 3:3).  May the God of patience and comfort grant us to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus (ROmans 15:5).  Make us a team, not pursuing separate, competitive, or independent lives, but working together, overlooking each other’s faults and weaknesses for the greater good of the marriage.  Help us to pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another (Romans 14:19).  May we be “perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment” (1 Corinthians 1:10).

I pray that our commitment to You and to one another will grow stronger and more passionate every day.  Enable him to be the head of the home as You made him to be, and show me how to support and respect him as he rises to that place of leadership.  Help me to understand his dreams and see things from his perspective.  Reveal to me what he wants and needs and show me potential problems before they arise.  Breathe Your life into this marriage.

Make me a new person, Lord.  Give me a fresh perspective, a positive outlook, and a renewed relationship with the man You’ve given me.  Help me see him with new eyes, new appreciation, new love, new compassion, and new acceptance.  Give my husband a new wife, and let it be me.  In Jesus’ name I pray.

Mine is a bit longer than his, and I teasingly said to hubby that maybe we girls are a bit more messed up.  When I am praying this prayer daily, or at least parts of it, I maintain a much better attitude about things.  I wasn’t praying it regularly because frankly, I felt he needed to change not his wife.  That is stinking thinking and I’ve laid that to rest at this point.  I want a beautiful marriage that if full of life and love\. I will pray daily to receive that because I know it is possible.  Hubby and I have a lot of time investment in our marriage, and that investment has been worth everything we have gone through, to me.  I will continue to pray that prayer and all the other ones in my book because I believe in our God and how He changes hearts and minds.  I hope these posts kind of catch you up on where we have been.  I hope it helps to know that we don’t get along all the time and we argue way too much.  I hope those patterns are beginning to unravel and God forms new ones that are kind, gentle, loving, peaceful, and healing to our marriage.  I will invest whatever God asks of me because I know it is worth it.

 

Praying for ME

I realized (with some prodding from Chandra!) that I have not kept my blogging commitment for the last 3 weeks. I want to apologize to all the readers who have been missing my updates, and just say that I am really struggling with my identity and the ability to find my voice IN THIS WORLD.

When I struggle with my identity I am not very nice.  I keep hearing the voice of the enemy in my head and making subtle agreements with him (“I don’t deserve her.”  “She always treats me like this.”  “This is never going to get any better.”)  And my wife deserves so much better than I’ve been able to offer her lately.

My wife has been reading Stormie Omartian’s book The Power of a Praying Wife, and there is a prayer in there for wives that encourages them to pray for “His Wife”.  And when she is consistent in praying that prayer, I can tell she is a much more loving and patient wife.  So I bought The Power of a Praying Husband and I have committed to pray for “Her Husband” in the hopes that I, too, will become more loving and patient!

Here is the prayer:

“Lord, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me (Psalm 51:10). Show me where my attitude and thoughts are not what You would have them to be, especially toward my wife.  Convict me when I am being unforgiving.  Help me to let go of any anger, so that confusion will not have a place in my mind.  If there is behavior in me that needs to change, enable me to make changes that last.  Whatever You reveal to me, I will confess to You as sin.  Make me a man after Your own heart.  Enable me to be the head of my home and family that You created me to be.

Lord, show me how to really cover (wife’s name) in prayer.  Enable me to dwell with her with understanding and give honor to her so that my prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7).  Renew our love for one another.  Heal any wounds that have caused a rift between us.  Give me patience, understanding, and compassion.  Help me to be loving, tender-hearted, and courteous to her just as You ask me in Your Word (1 Peter 3:8).  Enable me to love her the way that you do.

Lord I pray that You would bring (wife’s name) and me to a new place of unity with one another.  Make us be of the same mind. Show me what I need to do in order to make that come about.  Give me words that heal, not wound.  Fill my heart with Your love so that what overflows through my speech will be words that build up, not tear down.  Convict my heart when I don’t live Your way.  Help me to be the man and husband that You want me to be.”

My request is that you readers will join me in this prayer – for ME, as Chandra’s husband and for yourselves as spouses!

“By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we IN THIS WORLD.” – 1 John 4:17 (NASB)

Thank God It’s Friday

It has been a good week.  I am recovering from an overgrowth of bacteria in my gut, a bladder infection, and surgery on my left foot.  I am taking antibiotics (which I hate taking because of the side effects they cause), I know that these things cannot go away right now without them so we face what comes.  My fever has left me with fever blisters and sores, but it truly has been a good week.  Isn’t it wonderful how being in the Presence of God can be healing all on its own?  I have soaked in Jesus each day and I feel the healing hand of Jesus on my body today like never before.  I know He is faithful and I know what that means, it means He is sovereign and is working all things together for my good because I love Him and am called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28, my favorite verse).  Illness has no rule over me, nor does any foul thing and I am claiming victory over disease.

The best part of this week for me was watching Jesus work in our marriage and in our family.  I hadn’t spent any time on the phone with our son who lives out of the country in about a month, at the beginning of the week.  His feelings were hurt and the truth is, I don’t blame him.  We have been so self involved around here and my illness left me with so little to give that I simply didn’t give to him.  In our first conversation we got to that topic and he forgave me for not calling.  That is the cool thing about our relationship, we don’t leave much to assumption, we lay it out and let the other apologize.  We also both look for the good things that came out of what looked like bad.  I love those things about our son and I’m grateful that is the heart God gave him.  He’s going to be quite a catch for some young lady.

The best part of our marriage this week was the proof to my heart that we are both in this together.  We are both willing to put in the work.  We want the same things.  We love each other the most of anyone on this earth except Jesus and that is exactly where I long to be. Hubby and I have done some things really well in marriage.  We have also done some things really poorly.  We learn and grow together toward the only thing that truly matters, Jesus Christ.  This week has been a confirmation of that on both sides, we are seeking mentoring and accountability like never before.  We are reading books together and learning new ways of communicating that will lead us into what God has purposed for us.  In all of it, we are realizing that God doesn’t make mistakes and that His way is always the best.  We make love at the end of each day to remember that we are ONE and that He teaching us to show love in every way within marriage, not only the ways that we are good at today.  Hubby asked me this week, “why would you want to make love at the end of each day when you are so angry at me?”.  I answered him several hours later with this, “because at the end of each day when we have gotten all the words thrown at us, I forgive you for anything that didn’t feel like love AND I want to know it is just you and me.  For the rest of our lives, it is you and me at the end of the day and I want to remember we are on the same side”.  That is yet another reason that TheChallenge has been worth it to me.

Hubby and I are on the same side and some days, in our own pain and anger we say and do things that don’t look loving to each other.  We don’t mean to do those things, we truly love each other, but sometimes we filter things through the wrong lens and do hurt each other.  We both agree that isn’t what we want to continue doing in our marriage.  I’m truly grateful that I chose a man who is willing to lay himself down for the sake of our marriage and pray I always offer the same to him.  Marriage can be incredible when you both know who and what you are fighting  and fighting for.  I know that Matt Ford is worth fighting for and that our marriage has the potential for greatness that our enemy doesn’t want.  I know that we are recognizing that we are not fighting each other and forgiveness comes much easier when I recognize that.  Thank you for continuing to watch as God uses sex to heal what has been lost in our marriage.

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Where’s My Focus?

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.  And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.  Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.  Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:6-8

Over the past few years, I have chosen to seek God first thing in the morning.  I had every excuse in the book to not do it:  not a morning person, illness, like to read at night, got more out of reading at night, didn’t comprehend in the morning, didn’t want to get out of bed, not enough time, not enough time, not enough time.  That was my greatest excuse, not enough time.  Guess what God said to me…you have the same amount of time as all your brothers and sisters.  And the truth is, I do.  More than many of them.  That was a few years ago when I was recovering from the illness that threatened my life for many years.  I worked full-time, had three teenagers, a husband, a home, friends, and lifegroups.  I was, as the world puts it, busy.  I was still regaining muscle, nutrition, and health then too, after many years of loss.  Those were excuses.  Today, I recognize my excuses and others’ more than ever.  Today, I want what Jesus has to offer, He gave me this life, I reign in life through His life, and if I don’t know what He has to say about it…I’m sunk.

The verses at the beginning of this post are precious to me.  Just this morning, one of my mentor’s, my God mother so to speak, reminded me of those precious words of truth. Recently, the past few weeks following surgery and as bacteria grew out of control in my gut, I haven’t been thinking on these things nearly enough. There are times throughout the day that I only think on them, others that, it’s more challenging.  However, because I choose God and reading what He says about life first thing each day, recollection is becoming easier.  It’s becoming natural to go to what God says about things in this world, first.  There is another scripture that says that we are to “capture our thoughts”. In 2 Timothy, Paul tells us that God gave us a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline, that self-discipline includes the ability to capture our thoughts and think on the right things.  When I look at the things that I fear, that is a sin.  When I avoid finding out the truth, that is sin. The past few years I’ve asked God search me and know me, and reveal to me where he working in my life.  He is always working on clearing out the fleshly sin, the thoughts that are not rooted in truth.

Hubby and I are going through some rocky days, a difficult season.  Sometimes my focus is on the things that I don’t like about him.  As he puts it, “that is not helpful” and he is correct.  It isn’t ever helpful to focus on the things we can’t change or even on the faults of another.  I rejoice in this season, that is what Jesus tells me to do.  When I don’t, I assume I get what I have been getting. Yes, we are having a lot of sex and that part of our marriage is really good, it is where our true intimacy with one another takes place.  In the rest of our lives, there are many years of hurts that we are letting God heal us through, separately and together.   It’s not always fun but I believe the other side there is reward in the healing.  “Life to the full” (John 10:10b)! I am seeking that at all cost and no matter what the enemy puts in the way, I believe that is what Jesus if offering and I will take hold.

For today, I will choose to focus on what is right, what is true, what is lovely and I will let the things of the past stay there.  I will ask Jesus to come into each memory and change the story for me, and I will see Him there in it working for my good.  What the enemy means for evil, God means for good and we serve a God who adores us.  He calls me His sweetheart and guess what, I believe Him.

I’m On an Island

Today’s one word challenge on WordPress is Island.  It is a challenge to write on a topic and make it work with your blog.  Today, there couldn’t probably be a better word.  I’ve been sick with an overgrowth of bacteria in my gut.  It is what sent me to Mayo Hospital in 2006 and unfortunately, I didn’t recognize the symptoms.  A major symptom, probably the greatest back then, was the opposite.  After we figured out what the problem was, I found out the major symptom I would be looking for was an anomaly.  So, that wasn’t good at all.  By the time I caught it, I had been running a low-grade fever for weeks and continued losing weight to the point of a size 2.  There was a day in my life that I would have given anything to be this size, now when others tell me how great I look, I look at them like they are a lunatic.  I don’t like being this thin, and I don’t think it is good for anyone – Island.

Today, while out getting me clothes that fit this week, we saw a friend.  She began to tell me how fabulous I look.  I, again, looked at her like she had lost her mind.  I don’t have anything that hubby can grab onto, my butt is non-existent and  my clothes are falling off.  What is going on in this world ladies?  Stop looking in the mirror and wanting your teen years back after having kids, it isn’t worth the focus!  I told our friend that I want to be a size 10, she then looked at me like I was a lunatic.  I don’t know about anyone else, but I do recall asking God to make me this size when I was a size 24.  I focused on my weight so much, that I couldn’t lose it.  Now here I am at the smallest size of any woman I know that has had twins and for me, it stinks.

Over the past three years, my weight has fluctuated from a size 12 down to a size 2.  What is so cool about that to me is this, hubby has looked at me the same way the entire time.  When I say “looked at me”, I’m referring to when he looks at my body and his eyes light up.  When I began offering the beauty that I have to offer in 2013, it changed the way he saw me too.  It wasn’t ever about what size I was, it was about how I felt about myself on the inside.  That truth exuded through my eyes and my offering and his eyes responded in pure joy to see me that raw.  That is what changed our love life for the better a few years ago.  I must offer what God created, fully and completely, or hubby won’t know what to appreciate.

So, the island part.  I have had so many compliments on my size these days, does anyone else agree with me that a size 2 for a mother of three is remotely good??  I think I look like skin and bones and don’t feel healthy at all.  As a matter of fact, the last time my illness brought me to this size, the doctors put me on heart meds out of concern for me being so thin.  When did size and weight become such an obsession in America?  Other countries don’t seem to strive for the silly things we do.  They actually enjoy their food when they eat it seems.  That is who I want to be.  I want to enjoy the good things that God gave us to delight in and show Him that I’m not wasting my time here focused on things that are not of importance and not eternal.  Who will join me?

As for hubby and I, we’re struggling.  He is in a place of trying and I am in a place of resting.  They aren’t matching up so well right now.  This morning we made love.  We are seeking advice from wise counsel and we will continue to fight for one another in love and in prayer.  In the meantime, we will enjoy the act of intimacy each day to some degree because that is the glue that holds us together, being ONE.

“For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother, and cleve to his wife” Mark 10:7

Where I Am Today

This has been a rewarding challenge.  It has led us into areas of life and love that I doubt many explore.  It has challenged me in ways that I never saw coming, hard ways that I wasn’t even aware and definitely wasn’t sure I wanted to go there.  It forced me to look at things from the perspective of, I am truly in love with hubby but things aren’t perfect and actually some days are down right painful.  Does marriage really look like this? Good marriages?  It has opened my eyes in ways that I see God at work in all I do and say.

When we began, our intimacy had been stolen by illness…yet again.  I was angry.  Hubby was angry.  I think we were angry at different people and different things.  Nonetheless, we were both angry.  Hurt really.  26 years is truly a long time in this world and we have that many years of doing things REALLY well and 26 years of doing things truly poorly.  Our raising couldn’t have been more different.  Hubby was raised in a very beige world.  His carpet was beige.  His walls were white and semi-gloss.  They didn’t have cable television so they were limited to a lot of bad news.  His parent’s were done with trusting people before he even remembers and life was routine and boring.  Where I knew he was different and wanted different, he is so smart AND he chose for himself to read self help books to find more.  He’s always known he has a purpose and has sought it diligently throughout his life.

I, on the opposite end, was raised in a very colorful world.  We were busy all weekend, every weekend.  Weeknight activities included our sports or activities.  We ran a lot.  People looked at us from the outside and saw the picture of perfection.  On the inside we were broken and yes, we were battered.  Life was exciting and fun, but the fun led to abuse. This week, our very different backgrounds collided in explosion and we needed a break.  Divorce has never been an option in our home to either of us, but that does not mean we don’t get to places where others would choose.  I asked hubby to stay at a hotel for two nights and give me time at the house and at the end of those two days we would meet with our counselor and begin a new direction with tools she has to provide.  I was worn.  Our counselor told me I should never ask him to go, if I want to leave I should leave.  I respectfully disagreed with her as I told her, for us, this was best.  I disagreed because I saw God in all of it.

That being said, I hurt hubby.  I scared hubby.  That wasn’t a good thing.  That was the cost.  By the time Tuesday was here, I was at peace for the first time in weeks and that was probably selfish.  Our counselor also had said that we must seek peace with all we do and say and are.  That was the only solution I could see.  But, because of my choice, there was also a cost.  Lost intimacy.  He was hurt and angry and for the first time in a long time, forgiving me was difficult.

We made love Tuesday night AND  we decided that for us, TheChallenge was back on.  This time however, we will only make love when there is a desire and forgiveness for the day’s junk.  I don’t want to force sex and neither does he.  We want to make love, not only have sex, every time we have intercourse, not only fulfill a challenge because it is before the world.  We will continue to honor our commitment with this understanding and with this drive for completion.  224 days, I say we get that many days done in how ever many days it takes and see what that number is, as we make love genuinely to one another because of our love and our mad desire to serve and love one another well.

I am grateful if you choose to watch as we continue to uncover real.  That is who we are because I desire TRUTH in my inmost being.  And truth to me is perfect love.

“Behold, you desire truth in the inner being’ make me therfore to know wisdom in my inmost heart. Psalm 51:6

I can say this to the entire world, I will  not divorce Matt Ford.  He is the best gift God has ever given me and he is a good man.  I was blessed when he walked into the room and thought I was pretty.  Thank you hubby for your steadfast love and never even considering leaving me, that is a true man of God.  I love you dearly.