First I want to say, I just read hubby’s post and that is about the most real I’ve seen him. He left out a lot of details that simply don’t really matter in the scheme of things. It got really bad on Friday night, I went to the hospital for evaluation because frankly, I am feeling like things are all my fault. I was sent home with good advice and poor advice, I’ll take the good and leave the poor, either way, I was told I shouldn’t check myself in and they were not going to admit me. Each time I start to believe he might be right about me, I get into a whirlwind of the enemy’s lies and hate myself and living. I had a choice to live or not live almost 7 years ago, I believe I chose to live. Some days, in our home, I wonder why I chose that and if I decide to drink more than a glass or two AND I am in that place, things are not good. So, for a season, I have chosen NOT to run to alcohol to escape. I don’t know how long the season will be, it will be whatever God asks for and that could be until I share a glass of wine with Jesus.
I started this post on Monday morning at the office. I had only written a title because I wanted to talk about just that, the draw of a kiss. Hubby and I do one thing REALLY well in this world and that one thing is physical intimacy. The rest of the stuff we deal with needs a lot of improvement. Yes, we are in a place of pain and hurt with one another again, even today, but I trust God and I want to tell you about the draw of HIS kiss. When I got home, his kiss was all I could think about, I think that he was thinking about that and a bit more (she says in humor). It was as great as ever, I had missed it. On Monday, after the events of the weekend, I was remorseful and so was hubby, we’d reconnected Spiritually, emotionally, and physically and had begun to hear one another again. When I began this post on Monday, I was recalling the night before and his kiss kept returning to my mind. Friday was bad, but it was the head of a lot of shit that we have been facing for 25 years and it isn’t fun to work through. It also isn’t always safe without a mediator and that night there wasn’t one. On Saturday, we talked, a lot, we sat in the war room for extra precaution, God has that room sanctified! By Saturday evening, we were hearing one another again and treating each other respectfully. Sunday again, a good day. So, we’re to Monday and what I was thinking about was, his kiss.
When we made love Sunday night, it began with a round of kissing. I love kissing hubby, even when I am hurt, his kiss, it pulls me out. I think it might do the same for him because when we are upset with one another, there will not be kissing. Not OUR kissing, a peck from him, yes, but nothing more if he wants to stay pissed and I feel the same way. Kissing is one of those intimate things that I only want to do with someone I love dearly and only when I am not in pain from something they are doing or saying that hurts. Sunday night, I felt forgiveness toward hubby and I think he did toward me as, it only took the kissing to get us into the mood to have each other again, fully. I love that kiss, the one that makes you think of nothing more than what is to come. I love that kiss especially when it can’t lead to that right at that time, but you know it will…later. That kiss pulls me in so deeply that all I can think about at that moment is how much I love hubby, it’s not even so much of “wanting” him for me, it’s more of a place of safety and rest and that is love. I miss it when we argue, I miss it when he doesn’t recognize the attack of the enemy and command the liars to go, the voices that say, “she always does that”, “she doesn’t respect you”, the liars, the voices of all that wants him to stay angry. I miss it when I listen to the voices of the enemy as they tell me, “he will never change”, “it will be like this forever”, and I don’t tell them to GO!
Surely God knew all these things would happen and they happened anyway, so I believe Romans 8:28 will always stand as truth…
“And God will make good of all things for those who LOVE Him, those who are called according to His purpose”
As I hold fast to what God has taught me and what His purpose is, I will continue living His purpose one day at a time. We hope as we unravel all the enemy has done, you will be able to find things in your life and marriage that are worth fighting for, mine right now is…his kiss.