I’m Struggling with What’s Next

I never said I wasn’t a goal oriented person, lol. I’m not struggling with “what’s next” that I can head toward necessarily, more of what’s the next season going to look like? In this challenge, we have learned so many things about one another that some, frankly, have been a bit of a surprise to each other. Just because you live with someone for 25 years does not mean you know everything there is to know about them. Sometimes I find myself assuming I know what he thinks or feels about something and then, then it comes up for real and we begin to talk. Wouldn’t it be easier if we didn’t have those conversations?

This week has been a week of change for us, we are still very active in the bedroom, but we have a business to build. That being said, our season is changing and with it will come new obstacles conversations that we will get to work through. For anyone that has ever worked with your spouse, I salute you. It is tough. When we were focusing on having to end the day with sex, it was easier to stay somewhat focused on each other. Now, we both have so many things to do, and they are good things like homework from bible studies or working on things for the office, that we aren’t working too hard on us. Yes, it has only been a few days, but the truth is, it was hard to focus on making TheChallenge happen! The season upon us is going to require a lot of time and a lot of conversation, much of it about our business, and that can come between intimacy, especially for a woman.
At the office, I am a different woman, I know my role and I do it well. I have received a call from two past bosses, long after a job was finished to ask me to come back to work for them. When I work, I can get pulled into a habit I watched as a kid growing up, where it becomes about the job and everything else is put aside, including marriage. When I worked before I got sick, I was quickly the top producer at whatever I sold, and I could recruit like nobody else I know, I was driven. That drive led me to a hospital ICU room and a tube keeping me alive. That drive nearly cost me my life. I think I have a little fear of that drive returning in a harmful way. Two years ago we started growing in the office and bought a house and started remodeling and again, I got sick. It may be an irrational fear, but it’s one of mine. Will I start to push myself too much, too soon, and get myself back to that place again? It is hard to not have a mom to talk to about so many of the things that she and I used to talk about. I miss her constantly when I need her to encourage and support me, love me right where I am and expect nothing in return. That was my mom.

God is walking through this with me. I hate to say that I don’t really even have a community to pray with about many things right now. I know I have so many people praying for me, but I am eagerly anticipating who God is bringing into our world to do life with us.  We are true babies in our prayer lives and I know that God is bringing in our team to train us and train with us to be warriors at it!

Tonight was a little about where I am now that we are done. I don’t like not making love every day, I grew to love it. I always knew where we stood when we went to sleep. Tonight, we have been seeing things differently, we don’t have a solution, and hubby is asleep. It truly amazes me that he can pull out what he calls “his nothing box” and put anything aside and go to sleep. I don’t know if it is a man thing or a Matt thing, but it is truly amazing and highly annoying. I am blogging and now I am going to pray, then I will go curl up in his arms like I do every night and I will thank Daddy that hubby is mine. We will figure out where we stand on the topic in the morning. Good night!



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